The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
