Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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