just tell him i said nine months
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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