I think i peed on brittanys purse
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
