I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize