All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
