I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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