I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
