ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
