You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
