Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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