apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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