every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
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