My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Randomize
