Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
