im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
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