Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
