you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
