I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
