I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize