Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Dear god my vagina.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
