so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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