My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
