I'm so fucking centered right now
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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