Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
