Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
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So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
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Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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