It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
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there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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