So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
