Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
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SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
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Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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