the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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