Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
