Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
