I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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