Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He did a backflip because drugs
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