btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
