but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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