I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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