I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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