i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
