can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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