Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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