she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
