If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
