i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The uberlube is also flammable
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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