I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
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He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
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Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm like, not good at living.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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