We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
