We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
