I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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