Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I didn't notice because vodka
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
not ubering you a puppy
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