he told me I talked like a deaf person
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
