We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
