you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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