you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
