i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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