How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I cockslap morals
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
