the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
