There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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