Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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