totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
