dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
