His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
